Mandyfied...Toxicated

Dearly Beloved

11:02 PM Sunday 2/8/04
I went to Target today. I got Covergirl Eyeslicks in something shiver. It's this purpley color. I also got Loreal Color Juice in Watermelon Crush. It's a deeper red. A tiny bit deeper than my natural lip color. I've decided that I like the colors. I just dunno if I like the actual product. I kind of want a goldish brown eyeshadow though. Hmm..oh well. I still need to get body glitter. I have to figure out how to get it during this week before the dance.

I haven't talk to Logan in about 2 days. This sucks. He hasn't been online too. Either he hasn't been online at all or he's rarely online now. His aunt's funeral is tomorrow. He won't be at school. I'm not sure how to react about this. I'm not even sure if he knew her pretty well. Or maybe he's just sad because he thinks he's suppose to be. That's what happens to some people. Hmm..I hate not talking to him for over a day. That's kind of sad isn't it? Well, I usually talk to him for a little while every single day. When I don't, it's really weird. I think about him too much. Sigh.

9:09 PM Saturday 2/7/04
I went shopping with Beth and Artie today. Mike was suppose to come but my mom said no because he was a guy and I'm not suppose to hang out with guys outside of school. Sigh. Last night, I got the pictures of me in my dresses back. I looked soo bloated. Artie says it's because it was taken with the flash on. Apparently, since I'm Asian, my face is flatter so the flash makes my face even MORE flatter. Great. My cheeks looked really puffy. So now I need to figure out what to do with that. Anyways, we went to the store on University and Dale. It was a Hmong store. We found some dresses there but they weren't to our likings. So then we went to Marshall Fields and we all found a dress there. Artie got a black one with red stuff. It was pretty. It looked great on both Artie and Beth. Beth picked another one that looked kind of like lingerie. I found one that's black and strapless. It had pink stuff all over it too. It's pretty as well. So I'm probably gonna have pink eyeshadow with highlighter underneath my eyebrows. I'm also gonna have really sheer pink lipgloss or clear lipgloss. We're all gonna wear black fishnets and I'm gonna wear my strappy heels. Yay. It was fun. Surprisingly. I rarely ever have fun at the mall. I get migraines all the time. I did get a headache at the end but it wasn't because of shopping. I don't think. Anyways, now I'm kinda excited about the dance. Coronation is on Wednesday. Can't wait to see Logan. Whee!

I got my first A on my geography test!! I'm so happy. I never get A's on his class. I usually get C's. It's sad. But yeah, I think it was luck though. If I had gotten the other different tests with different essays, I probably would have done pretty bad. Oh well. At least I did well on this one. YAY! Longkee and I are doing our oral presentation for English soon. We get to act out two pages from Othello and also write a paper. The acting's gonna pretty fun I think. I hope I don't stumble on my words. PLEASE don't let me stumble on my words.

The Snodaze dance is on Friday. I was suppose to see a movie also that day but my mom won't let me. She says I can go the next day as long as it's with Artie and Beth. Well, that sucks because I wanted to see a movie with Logan. Also, it's Valentine's Day. I hope I can go see Logan at the theatre without my parents finding out. What if she comes early to pick me up and sees me with him? BAD. Very bad. She'll think I lied again and then wont' let me do anything anymore. Well, it's true that I lied but still. Sigh. Great, now I feel bad for lying. Artie says that I should just stay with Logan but take it slow. Right now, I'm in the control of my parents so when I'm at home, I need to be the Cambodian girl they want me to be. But then, when I'm at school, I can be with Logan. As for summer, she says to figure it out later. She says to take it bit by bit so it won't be too discouraging.

Anyways, wow, I really haven't updated in a long time. I should really get to that huh? Hmm..whenever I feel like it, I'll do it.

9:56 PM Sunday 2/1/04
I was downstairs the other day. I needed to use the mirror and the only mirror we have down there is located in my rents' room. When I was done using their mirror, I turned to turn off the light and I found the tape recorder. Probably the same tape recorder they used to bug my room. I got so pissed. So now I dunno what to think or say. I listened to the tape a little bit and it had a conversation of me and Jamie on it. It was from a long time ago. But the thing is that it had both me and Jamie. Somehow, he taped both of us. How does he do that? If he placed it underneath my bed, he'd only get me. So how did he get both of us? I dunno. Whatever, I'll just have to be more careful when talking on the phone when they're in the house.

On Friday, my spanish class went to the spanish computer lab to use the computers. I sat down, some random seat and Brian Galloway came up and said that he was gonna sit by me. I said ok and we started talking about how cold it was. He was cold. I was cold. I told him that my hands are freezing all the time. He didn't believe me so I put my hands to his face and neck to take his body heat. Apparently, Molly saw and said omg. Molly has had a crush on Brian since last year. Everyone knows it's never gonna happen. Jamie looks over and says, "Omg, she's such a slut. She's stealing your man!" I found out from Molly that Jamie's been calling me a bitch and slut the entire second period. I told Mike and Artie about this. Mike says that Molly's too uptight and that Jamie's a bitch. He says "hell no" that I'm a slut and that I don't flirt too much. He did mention that Beth and Vitaliy flirted too much for friends. Artie says that Molly is being dumb and Jamie's a bitch. She says that I'm not a slut and that I flirt with Mike more than I do with Logan which is bad. That's why I'm learning to go to Logan whenever he seems lonely after me being with Mike for a while. Logan didn't say anything about Molly but he did say that Jamie's a bitch. He said that I'm not a slut either. I'm kind of afraid to touch Brian or even talk to him now because I know Molly and Jamie will probably be watching me the entire time and being all grr. Dammit, why is life so complicated. Brian would NEVER like me anyways. Pssh. He's not the kind of guy who would go for a girl like me. He's a cutie though, I have to admit.

On the night of the last play performance, I gave Beth a hug and Amber a hug. Mike wanted a hug too so I gave him one too. He lifted me up so my legs were around his waist. I kneed him in the balls. BAD. So he fell to the ground and also hurt his knee. ALSO BAD. I felt bad so I gave him another hug. Again, he lifted me and I put my legs around his waist. Then he made a movement that made me look like I was humping him. EXTREMELY BAD. Logan saw. VERY VERY VERY BAD. Logan says that he's not that upset because there was nothing I could have done to stop it. It was me and gravity but I feel bad anyways. Hmm...he annoyed me today. He said that he missed me and that he wanted to be with me and that he felt like I was drifting away. He annoyed me so I didn't say anything back. Then he asked how strong my feelings for him were right now. I was still annoyed so I said that I wouldn't be going through everything I've been going through everyday for just some dumb guy...and then something about how I'd only be doing this for a guy I care about. Well, that wasn't an answer really. I dunno how strong my feelings for him are right now. I'm just blah.

Snodaze is in 2 weeks. I have my dress, nylons, shoes and necklace. I want small diamond studs, shimmery, subtle gold eyeshadow, bronzing powder for my arms, face, and chest, and I still need to figure out a hairstyle. I want a messy bun but I'm not sure how to make a pretty messy bun without looking dumb. I'm wearing my clear lipgloss though. I'll probably ask people on vortex to figure out what to do for all that.

Well, I'm kind of tired and I still have english homework so with that, I'm out.

3:46 PM Wednesday 1/28/04
Logan was nominated for Snodaze!!! I'm so happy for him. Sigh. I don't know his reaction though because I haven't spoken to him since last night. I'm going to get to see him in a tux!!! Happy Amy! It's really flattering if you are nominated, but if you lose to all the other nominees, it would really suck. Anyways, I'm not sure if Logan even tried to switch to Pre-Calc today. I'm not sure if I want him to. Actually, right now, I'm confused about everything. Oh and Cindy was nominated too. Go Cindy!

Last night was bad. VERY bad. I'm not even sure how to explain what happened. Logan came home, came online, and we talked a bit. He was tired so I told him to go to sleep. We argued about it. He wanted to stay and talk to me and I wanted him to go to sleep. That is THE stupidest thing to argue about. The thing is that part of me just wanted him to leave. Last night was probably the worst I've felt in a long time. Everything was wrong.

How would you like it if you come home everyday and you can't even look at your family anymore because they're so ashamed of you. What I did wasn't all that bad, but since they grew up differently from me, it became somewhat of a sin. I sinned. I lied and sinned even more. We're in America. Why can't my parents loosen up. Yes, I am Cambodian and Chinese, but I was also brought up here. I am constantly surrounded by the American way. They can't make me be who they want me to be while living here. It's not possible. For me anyways. My mom wants me to be a Buddhist (spellcheck). Ok, I get that. Chinese New Year. She MADE me pray. She tried to MAKE me believe in it. She said what will happen to her when she dies and I don't honor her. I will honor her. Just not in the way she wants to be honored. I don't believe in God. I don't really have a religion. And here she is, forcing me to believe in something. It's fine that she wants to shape me into someone she thinks is perfect but she doesn't have to mold me into that person without any room for who I REALLY am. I know it's horrible to lie to your parents, but I finally found a guy that's perfect for me. I love him so much, but they can't accept that. They don't believe in love. They're not in love themselves. Their marriage was arranged. They love each other, but they're not IN LOVE with each other. My parents don't think I should date till I'm 18. They think 18 is too young still. They think 20 is too young. They think 23 is a BIT too young. What the hell. I want to be MARRIED by the time I'm 23. Not start DATING by then. Ok, I touched a guy. I hug them. I flirt with them. What's so wrong about that? One time, my mom saw me touch Jesus's hair because it was wet and she got pissed. She said I shouldn't be touching boys. I cuddled with Logan on the couch at school. My dad saw. The next day he called me disgusting. He acted like I'm some sort of prostitute. I can't take coming home every single day to people who think I'm dirty. Who are disgusted by the fact that I was with a guy. They're disgusted of me. I disgrace them. I am not even close to the daughter they want. I am not an awesome housekeeper or cook. I like boys. I am not Einstein. I am not the perfect Cambodian girl. And for that, I disgrace them. I can't even look at my grandpa anymore. He knows about Logan. He has this look in his eyes. As my grandpa, he has no say on how I'm being raised so he keeps his thoughts to himself. Inside, he shakes his head. In his own subtle ways, he tells me of what a failure I am as his granddaughter.

Logan says that I'm the one for him. He says that he's 100% sure. I love him. I do. I've been trying to be with him for the past 8 months. Maintaining a healthy relationship is difficult enough without the extra parent baggage. Lately, my parents are at their worst. My life is at its worst. And to tell you the truth, I don't feel like trying anymore. I don't think happiness is possible. It's too hard to be happy. There is always something blocking you from it. I was reading a magazine awhile ago and it contained an interview with Ashton Kutcher. He said something that I really liked. He said something like, "Love has many obstacles. The more you want it, the more obstacles you're gonna come across. It's God's way of asking how badly do you want it?" I think that's pretty smart. Well my smart thing to say is: Life's a bitch. We were all born to have faith and hope and to want something. The truth is, we were born to realize that happiness doesn't exist and faith and hope are used to trick us. It is here for us to be happy to die and to want to leave this hell hole. I want to leave. So badly. Anywhere but here. As long as I can relax, be stress free, and be happier for once. Away from my parents, away from school, and away from my problems. The only flaw in that plan is that I'm only 15. I can't drive and I don't have a car. I'll be 16 in a month, true, but my parents won't let me drive until I'm 17. Logan says that it will be fine in 2 1/2 years when I graduate from high school and go far away to college. But will it really? How is he so sure nothing is gonna change that plan? How is he so sure that nothing bad is gonna happen in the meantime or then? He doesn't. And it won't be better. It'll stay this horrible. It'll never go away. My parents will watch my every move till I get married. Not even then...they'll continue to watch until they die. I will never be able to live happily with them living. I probably won't be happy living when they're gone. I give up. There's no way to escape this. I'll never be happy. Never.

2:12 PM Sunday 1/25/04
Ok, first entry! YAY! Oh JOY! Well I'm probably not gonna blog much right now because I have a lot of homework I should be getting to. I'm probably gonna end up procrastinating a little more though. I will get it done though..eventually. Hehe. Anyways, toodles!